The Dual Impact of Divorce

{3:12 minutes to read} Having been raised by a mother who once heard an ambulance and acted upon the belief that it carried my aunt, who, being 15 minutes late in picking her up, had, of course, been in a car accident, I’m a worrier.

If I allow myself to go there, I can easily obsess about a car accident or a plane crash, things that can happen in an instant without warning and could drastically change my life. Then there are the things that are equally devastating but are played out over a longer period of time, such as the life-threatening illness of someone I love.

There probably is a piece of me that believes if I worry about something, it won’t happen, so I tend to spend time worrying about all kinds of unlikely things.

When I meet with some of my clients, I recognize that they are not worrying or obsessing about something that is unlikely to happen as I do. Many are actually experiencing the 2-pronged impact of an unimaginable event that will change their lives. First, they are feeling the instant “slap-in-the-face” kind of shock that takes their breath away, when they are being told that their spouse wants a divorce, or they discover an affair. Then comes the prolonged distress in the struggle to tell their children, work out the details of a separation, and draft and sign legal papers. I wish that I could say mediation will make the entire process painless, but of course, it cannot. I wholeheartedly believe, however, that a properly trained and experienced mediator can lessen the impact on you and your family, because in a mediation:

• You are an active participant, which means that you exercise a level of control missing from an attorney negotiation or a court process;
• You will have the opportunity to express what you feel needs to be said, in a way that is more likely to be heard by the other; and 
• No matter whether you both want to proceed quickly or slowly, the process can move along at a pace that suits. 

Most importantly, mediation is a respectful process that focuses on the future rather than focusing on past events or laying blame, which is one of the many reasons why I am such a strong advocate for mediation. It may still be painful, and it will still require hard work and time, but it should still be the first choice for a couple seeking to separate.

Comments from Social Media

I agree. Although it will not take away the pain of divorce, mediation offers the clients more control over the process and the means to move forward in a respectful manner.

Anthony Markus