{3:36 minutes to read} I have to say that some variation on that question is often asked of me by my mediation clients. Almost uniformly, the clients who ask that question are never my most difficult.
I suspect they may feel they are being difficult because they may have:
Had a protracted disagreement over an issue that didn’t get resolved by the end of the meeting;
Voiced resentment or frustration with their spouse; or
Raised their voices as part of a heated discussion.
To me, that doesn’t make them difficult; that makes them human.
Divorce mediation by its very nature addresses highly charged topics, and a properly trained mediator can help the parties handle those strong emotions. (Of course, I’m drawing a distinction between expressing anger and a diatribe that would be considered abusive.)
Yes, I do have clients who never seem upset, angry or even sarcastic. They may speak in even tones, but that doesn’t necessarily make them “easy” or “difficult” mediation clients. Some very harsh and/or uncompromising statements can be said without the hint of belligerence.
What makes a case difficult to me is when one or both clients prefer:
The fight to the settlement; or
To talk about past faults rather than propose terms for the future.
With most clients, I am tolerant of some history, especially in the beginning of the mediation, because it may be necessary for someone to get that out, be heard and then move on. When that becomes the focus, though, and it is difficult to reel one or both back to talking about the issues at hand, then that makes a difficult mediation to me.
Recently, a client asked me at the end of a meeting if I wanted to work with them again because they were so tough. I was actually surprised because, while there were some heated discussions and frustration expressed over past behavior, they actually made some progress in the face of some very challenging circumstances. I explained that my focus was on the fact that they were able, for the most part, to put aside the anger and talk about realistic resolutions, and I would be willing to continue if they felt that progress had been made, which they did.
The clients that I consider to be problematic are those who lack the self-awareness to recognize that they may acted inappropriately. True high-conflict personalities, as defined by well known mediator and instructor Bill Eddy, would be so entrenched in their belief that they are right that they wouldn’t even consider having a personality flaw that would make others consider them difficult. Those would be my most demanding mediations.
So, don’t be concerned that you can’t mediate because you’re angry at your spouse. People who are angry, frustrated or anxious can mediate, as long as they’re willing to put the focus forward.