{2:50 minutes to read} I am fortunate enough to say that I am not a child of divorce. Since I don’t have that first-hand experience, I have strived, as most mediators do, to learn about the impact of divorce on children and how that can be ameliorated. In mediation, the best interest of the children is paramount.
The Children
The Parents
In mediation, we work with parents to minimize the negative effect of divorce on children as much as possible. We also educate them as to resources that are available to them and their children, but we cannot extinguish the effect.
It’s especially hard because the parents are going through their own loss, and they too are confronting what could be a scary and unfamiliar future. While they are well intentioned and want to be there for their children, they may not be capable of being there as fully as they wish.
The Mediator
Mediators are trained to understand child development as it relates to a parenting plan. Mediators understand how to recognize when professional help is needed and can advise their clients of community resources for both parents and children.
It also doesn’t hurt for a mediator to try to imagine what it would be like for a child to learn that their parents are separating. How would they feel and react?
A Resource
While research books abound, I suggest reading the children’s book, Divorce is the Worst by Anastasia Higginbottom. I was offered a preview of this book and recommend it highly. Although meant for children, I think it is equally enlightening for adults.
To a child, it conveys a sense that whatever they are feeling, it is okay. And while our instinct might be to help a child understand and focus on the idea that “things will get better,” this book shows that right now, from the child’s perspective, things are really not good. It helps a child to not feel guilty or like they are acting inappropriately because of how they feel in the moment.
For a parent, the book provides a clear way for them to recognize that as bad as it is for them, their children had nothing to do with the divorce, yet are taking a pretty big hit. Keeping their focus on their children and what they are feeling is crucial in this unsettling time.
How are your children reacting to your separation or divorce? What resources have you found to help during this difficult and trying time? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments box below.